briancromer.com

Am I a real man?  That is the comical question I am bringing up for you to ponder.  The online urban dictionary defines a real man as “a true man can be best described as rugged and that does not have any fears.  A man has a good deal amount of knowledge about tools, cars, the outdoors, knows how to act around women by being a gentleman, but is not always serious and can have fun with them.  Men financially provide for others and themselves and are overall responsible.  Men are clean, well groomed, and can have a very short beard to portray that image of ruggedness.  True men do not think about themselves.  They do not always think about sex.  They stand up for what they believe, take responsibility for their actions, help others, they are self confident, physically strong and in shape, have a sense of humor, generous, honest, and are considerate.  They provide a sense of security.  Men are brave and do not need to show off for their friends nor do they sway their opinions because of their friends.  Now even if you are biologically a man, this does not mean you fit my definition of all the components of what a real man is.”

It follows that hilarious definition by saying, “A ‘Real Man’ would be like the Brawny paper towel mascot.  He has that image of outdoors, strength, confidence, and ruggedness, but what about his character?”

Hilarious.  Nothing screams strength, confidence, and ruggedness like a cartoon man plastered all over paper towels.  Honestly what man can live up to “cartoon-paper towel-guy”?  Well, here are some reasons why my manhood would be in question and then some reasons why my manhood is completely intact:

REASONS FOR ME NOT BEING A “REAL” MAN:

• My lack of tools.  If you looked around my house for tools, you would be lucky to find a tiny screwdriver, a pathetic hammer, and well…that’s pretty much it.  I do have a power drill, but I think it is still in its original box.  Every tool I own was bought for me by my dad or my father-in-law when they were fixing something at my house and I obviously didn’t have what they needed.

• I know nothing about cars.  I don’t change my own oil.  I don’t rotate my own tires.  I couldn’t fix anything on my car if it broke.  My check engine light is on right now in my car and I have no clue why.  I basically know how to put gas in, take it somewhere for oil changes and repairs, and how to install XM radio.

• I own and wear three different pink shirts.  One t-shirt, one polo shirt, and one long sleeve button up. 

• I don’t do the outdoors well.  I’ll be honest, I am kind of a divo (the guy equivalent of a girl who is a diva).  I don’t like to camp.  I like to shower and be clean.  I like to sleep in beds.  I don’t like getting bit by bugs.

• I shave my armpits.  There is great logic to this though: it keeps me from having an obscene amount of underarm sweat.  Think about this, guys in the summer shave their heads to stay cool.  The same principle applies to your armpits.  You will have less sweat and heat bald rather than an afro down there.  No lady wants to feel a swamp whenever you put your arm around them.  Underarm hair is gross anyways.

• 4 Words: Victoria Secret Lotion Daily

• I use a loofah.  Heather got me hooked on using one a few months ago.

REASONS FOR ME BEING A “REAL” MAN:

• I can grow a good beard.  Yes, during “No-shave November” I grew a mean beard for the first time.  That’s manly right?

• I work out/exercise a lot.  6 days in a normal week.  Got to get swole.

• I know a lot and can figure out most technology.  Where I can’t fix cars and house stuff, I do know technology.  I can now work on both PCs and Macs.  I’ve got lots of toys.

• Good at Madden.

• I know a lot about sports.  ESPN can be found on my televisions a good percentage of the day.  I can tell you too much about most every sport.  It’s pathetic really.  I also have played a lot of sports in my life too, including dunking a basketball and hitting a homerun.

• I treat women right.  I’ve got to really because my house is full of women.

• I carry a wallet.  No man-purse or (for those Seinfeld fans) European Carry-all.

• I have a “man-room” in my house.  This room includes a border of framed memorable Sports Illustrated magazines, 2 marathon medals, Nolan Ryan signed bat and ball, Robinson Cano signed ball, Drew Bennett signed Haggards jersey and photo, a 3rd generation Cromer leather chair, and a big NY Yankees aluminated logo art.  Of coarse, my wife has the entire house and I have one room.

• I can belch really loud.  I used to embarrass my mom even when nobody was around.

• I use Brawny paper towels.

So what do you think?  Real man or not? 

(By the way, this was entirely written for entertainment.  I am not questioning my manhood.  I am have enough self confidence to laugh at myself.  Please don’t take this too seriously.  It was purely fun.  However, all the contents of this post are completely – and sadly – true.)